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  • November 2011
    M T W T F S S

Alan Thicke Boomerology 101 ‘BadaBing, BaDaBang, By Da Boomers!’

Posted by Levine Communications Office on November 16, 2011


Alan Thicke

Actor; Humorist; Author of ‘How to Raise Kids Who Won’t Hate You’



Posted: 11/16/11 11:53 AM ET

Previously on ‘Boomerology’…

‘A guy in my demo might still have a few things on his Bucket List that require a partner and some fragrant lotion.’

When it comes to sex — and doesn’t it always? — the only thought worse than not having any is that maybe your parents ARE! Mom-and-Dad-Love-Making (i.e. ‘Sweating with the Oldies’) is creepy for the same reason you wouldn’t have Herman Cain at your bachelorette party… not sexy and potentially dangerous.

It’s humbling to us seniors to acknowledge our declining physical appeal, often manifest in wilting muscularity and Chicken Little Facial Skin (as in ‘The Sky is Falling!).

Fellas, wanna see what ‘sex at 60’ looks like to your partner?

Lay a mirror flat on a desk, then look down into it. OM-frikkin’-G!

Is this what she sees? I could suffocate her with my face!

I was 50-ish when I met my wife and offered full disclosure.

‘I have about 3 muscles left so I hope they’re ones you like.’

Flattering, touched-up cover photo notwithstanding, the only time my ass looks good is when my wallet’s in my pocket.

(Sidebar: I married a younger woman because most women my age are dead. She’s younger than me but some mornings it feels like Stonehenge is younger than me, as are several emerging countries.

Belize and Namibia come to mind. When we were dating, Tanya’s mother called it ‘carbon dating.’ I get on fine with her now because we talk about our kids, one of whom happens to be my wife.)

But I digress… another annoying Boomer trait.

What if you’re SINGLE and 60? I know guys willing to re-write their wills and delete at least one child from a previous litigation in order to free up the disposable capital necessary to nurture the real or imagined affection of a legal concubine in these twilight years of colonoscopies and fluctuating 401Ks.

Maybe we’re entitled, after all. We were ‘deep’ for decades… socially conscious, caring… in love for all the right reasons.

Now it’s ‘me’ time. If I were single and 60, I might be ready for a woman as shallow as me and maybe that simply doesn’t exist.

I might want to be a Trophy Husband/Plaything, loved and used for my body. All indications are it’s too late for that.

So, how to meet like-minded companions? Wouldn’t it be great if you could be honest when you’re hitting on somebody? Well, you can’t; not if your life has been really ‘interesting’ like Charlie Sheen or Top-Tier NBA players.

It would be helpful if there were some lobster-style dating service where you walk in and pick your girl-or-boyfriend from a tank in the lobby. ‘Look at the claws on that!’

Some get lucky by re-connecting with long-lost acquaintances on Facebook through those soul-soothing Friend Requests. Really?

If I’d wanted to be your friend, I would have called you once in the last 40 years. I would have asked your mother about you. I would have sent a Christmas card or donated a kidney.

Taking it to the ‘next level’ (as postulated earlier in this column), it stands to reason that Online Dating was the first computer skill many Boomers learned.

Sadly, the internet hookup scene is chock full of liars of all ages. (Hey! Maybe that’s why they’re single.)

But good luck posting: “Sugar Daddy (OK, Sweet ‘n Low) seeking casual playdate with woman whose ex-husband is a billionaire and last boyfriend is an idiot…must have hot girlfriends to fix up with endless supply of loser buddies…”

She might be a Cyber-Fibber too, which is why someone ought to provide a service like Vetting before Wedding, ‘Where our CSI/STD inspectors will go into the field and talk to the exes; find out why they’d rather have an eye poked out with a hot stick than spend one more day in that hellhole of a relationship.’

A generation ago there was no tweeting, no sexting.

We had to make an impression the old-fashioned way: we had to lie and deceive in person.

Electronic Dating meant you had the battery-powered Pleasure Wand.

So now it’s onward and sideways.

‘Baby Boomer wants to be your Boomer, Baby! Pls include photo and don’t be surprised if mine looks a lot like George Clooney. …the Early Years.’

More in Fifty…

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